Today’s post on standing is the tenth blog post in my summer series on relationships. This article is a reprint from our (Reggie and my) A Stitch in Time newsletter. I hope you enjoy reading today’s article whether reading for the first time or second!
“I was not going to tell you I love you until after we were married.” Reggie shared this interesting bit of information with me while we were still courting. I was amazed that he planned to wait that long before sharing where we stand. I guess I shouldn’t have been too surprised because I had similar intentions.
As a protective measure, I decided not to tell Reggie I loved him until much later in our relationship. I thought that if Reggie were unsure of my love for him, he would treat me better, so I waited to tell him I loved him.
So much for the best-laid plans as the saying goes. About four months into our friendship, Reggie went to visit his family in South Carolina for a week. Reggie did not have a cell phone then, and since it was long distance, he did not call me while he was away. Before this trip, we had not gone more than one or two days without talking.
Going seven days was grueling, and unbeknownst to the other, both Reggie and I looked forward to it ending. Reggie was so eager that he called me immediately upon arriving home. Reggie did not even unpack the car after the long drive before he raced into the house to call me. Unfortunately, I was busy at work, so Reggie had to leave a message. As soon as I got a break, I returned his call. That is when Reggie said, “I love you.”
After Reggie told me how he felt, I thought about what it was like when I was uncertain of where I stood with the men I had dated before. Being unsure did not motivate me to treat them better. So, why did I think this would motivate others? If anything, insecurity caused me to treat them worse.
Why do we think insecurity would motivate anyone? If anything, insecurity causes us to treat people worse.
Not only that, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that what I wanted most was the security of knowing exactly where I stood with a guy, wherever that was. I wanted clear signals, not mixed signals. I wanted honesty, so a couple of days after Reggie shared his heart with me I told him, “I love you.”
What women want most is clear signals, not mixed signals.
I am thankful that Reggie let me know where I stood with him, and that I did the same. As I look back on our relationship, I see that is what we always did. Even as friends, it was never long after one of us shared our heart that the other one did too. So, we both knew where we stood with the other.
That kind of understanding and communication continued as we progressed from friendship to marriage. As you progress through your life, whether alone or together, we hope that you have a clear understanding of where you are every step of your journey.
If you enjoyed this post, check out the rest of my summer series on relationships.
Summer Series on Relationships:
- Part One – Preparing for a relationship by spending time alone with God.
- Part Two – Some tips from my late husband Reginald Sanders on how to spend time alone with God.
- Part Three – Who should take initiative in a relationship and when.
- Part Four – Protecting your significant other’s tender spots and vulnerabilities.
- Part Five – Getting your priorities in order.
- Part Six – Healing past pain.
- Part Seven – Overcoming trust issues.
- Part Eight – Overcoming fear.
- Part Nine – Valuing women.
- Part Ten – Honesty in a relationship.
- Part Eleven – The cause of your discomfort.
- Part Twelve – Your beliefs.
- Part Thirteen – Believe quickly.
- Part Fourteen – At the heart of good relationships is friendship.
- Part Fifteen – Real, genuine brothers and sisters-in-Christ.
Questions:
- How has a lack of clarity impacted your relationships?
- If you withhold your feelings in relationships, why?
- If you feel more secure withholding your feelings, what would make you feel more secure?
- How could openness and honesty improve your relationships?
