Last week, I shared why “I understand what you’re going through” creates more harm than healing for grievers—how it demands emotional labor, erases uniqueness, and builds walls instead of bridges. Today, I want to show you what actually works. But first, there’s one more way “I understand” misses the mark that I’d like to address.
The Timeline Trap
The worst part of “I understand” statements? They often come with an implied timeline.
“I’ve been there” suggests you’ve reached the other side, learned grief’s lessons—meaning the griever should too, right?
Wrong.
What grievers like me actually need to hear isn’t “I’ve been where you are and made it through.” It’s “I can’t imagine where you are, but I’m here for however long it takes.”
Because some losses don’t have an “other side.” Some grief doesn’t resolve—it just changes shape. Scripture acknowledges this: there’s “a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance” (Ecc 3:4). Notice it doesn’t say how long each season lasts or that they follow a predictable order. The timeline is between you and God, not you and someone else’s expectations.
So, if “I understand” doesn’t work, what does?
